Noodles' journal - I miss you quite terribly

Bleh. I hate being sick. This morning I thought I'd started to feel better - but nooo, I feel just as shitty as yesterday at the moment. I feel pretty damn miserable. Which sucks, not only just because it sucks, d'oh, but when I feel crappy I also start to miss Stef even more than I already do. Usually when I miss him, it's in kind of a nice way,  a way that gives me a nice warm feeling inside, cuz it's great to have someone to miss too... But when I feel crappy and I miss him - it's more in a sad way. That I just really want to be with him, and that it sucks that I can't just yet. I know I'll see him again soon - but the waiting isn't always that much fun.

I know though, that soon we'll be together again, everything could've been much worse - I actually almost see him a lot - and I can talk to him on msn and on the phone. I love him and he loves me. He wants to try to come to Holland for some time, for me! He's everything I could've ever wanted and everything I need. He's perfect. Seriously. I'm SO lucky. That's also why I miss him so much...

It's gonna be an eventful, exciting but also scary year I think. School's gonna be a lot of (hard) work, I'm gonna have to write a PWS, have to do a lot of studying too for my final exams that I'll have in may and hope I'll pass, I'm gonna have to decide on what I want to go study, and where, I'm gonna have to move out and I won't be able to go back 'home' again because my mom etc. are gonna move themselves too, to the middle of f*ing nowhere, I don't know when and how much I'll see Stef, but I hope it'll be a lot and that he can find something to do here in Holland, if not, there'll also be a solution to that of course, cuz I love him, I'm also gonna have to find a job soon but I'm kindof scared too (-_-)".

Sooo, a lot of unknown and new things - I kind of like that, but to me it's also a little frightening because it's so much, I have no idea how it's all gonna go and be. I prefer having some idea of how the near-future is gonna look, and I really have not much of an idea about how it'll look now. I'm curious but also scared. I tend to worry and think too much, which is kinda useless - the more I think about stuff the more I worry the more I think and the more I worry. Yay!

I know, I know, I'm not being too optimistic right now. But you can't really blame me. I'm sick, I'm alone and it's raining outside :P Not exactly ideal eh?

Everything'll work out though just fine though, and I'll just have to see it as some kind of adventure. It's also gonna be cool to finish this school, meet new people, go to a new place and hopefully be with Stef a lot more. And that mom's gonna move, well, I'll miss our old house, we really build up everything there from 0 to what we have now, after mom and dad divorced. We've had a lot of crappy times out there but also a lot of great times. So yeah - of course I'm gonna miss it. I'm the kind of person that can get really attatched to a place/house. But I'm also looking forward to living on my own (with out mom etc), taking care of myself and doing what ever I want when I want it. We'll see how everything'll turn out.

Time will tell!

(Oh god - I hate that expression.)

/Kisses

Noodles